Welcome to my head

Oh…

mindescape — Thu, 14 Jan 2010 14:55:23 +0000

Oh, by the way, if anyone, anyone at all, is reading this, drop me a comment. I’m curious to know any thoughts on the stuff I write about. Thanks.

It’s been a while…

mindescape — Thu, 14 Jan 2010 14:51:36 +0000

Feeling very anxieyic today. Is that even a word?

Other news: Tonight I have quit smoking. This was a habit, an addiction really, that was really controlled by my OCD. I like how I used the past tense, though, in that sentence. It was a habit. No more! I’m so tired of smoking and it’s taking a toll on my body. I don’t even want to go into the triggers of OCD and it though. Not now, anyway. I just can’t. I’m mentally exhaused as well as physically exhausted tonight.

G’night all.

mindescape — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 15:24:36 +0000

Today was actually kind of a good day. I wilffully avoided any loops and succeeded for the most part. I just don’t give a fuck anymore. LOL. Maybe that’s good? I don’t know. But I was also real busy today too. Plus, I poured myself into my classes and teaching them today. Maybe that’s a good diversion- even though i can’t stand teaching really. LOL. But maybe stress takes away stress? Hmm..

It was a bad day…

mindescape — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 14:34:40 +0000

Today was so bad it wasn’t even funny. I got caught up in so many loops I wanted to cry or jump of a bridge. I got caught in so many walking and thinking I left something on the ground loops. I even got caught in a handwashing loop- not because of germs, because I don’t have that OCD thing, but because I couldn’t be sure I shut off the faucet! So I had to keep re-doing the process of washing. I was there probably ten minutes. I kept walking away and then going back. God, I hope none of that was caught on camera because it was at work. Right up til’ I got home, I was in loops. I kept looking at the sidewalk thinking I dropped something, constantly retracing my steps and stuff. I must have looked like a loon if anyone was watching. Like always, I was trying to make it look as natural as possible so no one would notice. I don’t know if anyone noticed or not. The pain was really bad today. This shit causes PAIN that I would do almost anything to relieve. I won’t kill myself though. I’m not at that point and don’t think I ever could. It doesn’t really even cross my mind other than an amusing thought. Seriously, when I get back to the states and have insurance, I may just go back on meds. At least get a downer prescription. Tonight I bought two beers to take the edge off. They are doing their job now. And they taste good. :) But man… What a fucked up day today was. The pain it causes is just immense. You can feel the pain. I hate it. And I hate myself for being so fucking weird. :_( This disorder really sucks ass. Grrrrr…

Howdy

mindescape — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 15:51:34 +0000

Yes, I know, I need to update this shit more often. Luckily I have no readers so I don’t feel too guilty. HAHA! But then we must remember, this was to vent my brain, not amuse others. It would be nice to know someone is reading, though.

The last few days have been busy, which is why I haven’t had time or strength to update anything. Been busy working extra classes at work as another teacher is on vacation so I get a lot of his hours for the next two weeks. Well, only a week and a half left. It’s good for me, though, as with more work, less crazy thoughts. I simply don’t have the time or energy to do lots of my stupid stuff. Still, I do find the time, unfort., sometimes. Just a simple walk can turn into a nightmare as I keep thinking I dropped something valuable even though my fucking pockets have nothing in them! Night.

drunk

mindescape — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 13:43:41 +0000

Hi. I’m drunk. That is all.

mindescape — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 15:37:20 +0000

The last two days have been ups and downs. Not too bad actually as I’ve been super busy with my stupid job. Having a beer now- which always helps things. :) Actually, I’m having two beers total tonight. Anyway, don’t feel like posting much right now. Wonder if anyone is reading me. Night. Sleep well everyone wherever you are.

MoRnInG

mindescape — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 02:09:30 +0000

It’s morning here on Tuesday. Already had an OCD episode when I was in 7-11 getting coffee. I couldn’t simply look at a magazine while I was waiting for my coffee to be made. I kept thinking that by touching it, I was leaving something of mine on it. Like my credit card or something else. I kept thinking I left something stuck onto it like with tape or something so I had to keep picking it up and checking to make sure there was nothing on it. Lame.

Monday Monday…

mindescape — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 15:05:26 +0000

Welcome to Monday. Well, where I’m at in the world, the end of Monday. I had a busy day with 3 classes. This actually helped me out a bit because it doesn’t give me time to be nuts. See, that’s a big thing about being here in this country working. Normally, I have too much time which lets my mind run wild. Only working 20 hours a week on the average will do that. But for November, I’ll be working 30, so I guess that’s a good thing- as is the extra money. I need to save now too with moving back to the states in only 3 months. The OCD today was the usual of thinking I dropped something on the sidewalk and having to stare back until I was certain I didn’t . Also, just throwing out the trash a minute ago provoked an episode of having to stare at the trash bin to make sure I didn’t miss the bin or throw away anything important- which of course, is absurd! It’s fucking trash for God’s sake. Oh, and grading some homework I had to recheck things sometimes. When all this rechecking happens- whether it’s checking the sidewalk for mythical things falling out of my pockets to other checking things, I eventually just say FUCK IT, and go on with things. That’s what you have to do. I want to retrain my brain to say that about everything. Life is too fucking short to be worrying about phantom crap. I mean really!

And WTF with WordPress and it having an “add audio” button that only accepts image files???? LOL, makes no sense to me.

Note to self: Gotta quit the smokes.

Well, that’s all I feel like writing for now. You all have a good night, er, day, whoever is reading.

Cheers!

See ya’!

Nighty night!

Bon Voyage!

Wait, that last one makes no sense.

Anyway, here is to hoping tomorrow is a non-crazy day. Don’t we all deserve those days in one form or another.

PS- I wonder if I’ll ever end up in a mental hospital… :(

I really hope not… Jeeze…

I’m back

mindescape — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 13:07:43 +0000

Told you I might be back soon. I had to run down 20 something floors and put my laundry in the dryer. LOL.

Where was I?

So anyway, my OCD manifested itself when I was a kid. I can remember checking doors, stoves to make sure they were off even if I didn’t use them, locks, you name it. I also had some tics- if that’s what they can be called. I used to open my mouth real wide and then close it again. Yeah, WEIRD! That tic is gone now. I don’t really have any physical tics anymore thankfully. :) Still, if I do the mouth thing even today, I feel a bit of relief, but not the need to keep doing it over and over again. Over and over is the trademark of OCD, you see. When an obsession comes into the mind of an OCDer, it can not go away until the compulsion is fulfilled. In the meantime, you feel physical pain. You just have to do the compulsion no matter how absurd you KNOW it is. Luckily, all the compulsions (mine) are harmless to others, so that’s good. I’ve never had the compulsion to kill anyone- even though I’ve heard that is a symptom for some. These people don’t really carry out that compulsion I don’t think, though. Which of course is good! Anyway, as a teen, my OCD maybe went away a little bit but the checking of doors and stuff was still there- just maybe not as severe. In my 20′s they came back pretty hard. I developed the famous obsession that I hit someone while driving and would have to circle the block or turn around on the freeway to go back and check to make sure I didn’t hurt anyone. All the while knowing I didn’t. It was ridiculous.

Oh, I forgot to mention, if it matters, I’m gay. I currently have a boyfriend here in this foreign country. I’m originally from the States- California. Lovely California. Oh how I miss my wonderful state. :) I’ll be moving back soon, though.

It almost seems like my OCD thing got worse after moving here. As stress definitely brings on OCD symptoms in people with it, I think the shock of being in a different country, not speaking the language, general disarrayed living contributed to it. Although I am fully set up with an apartment, bf, and getting along, some days it just gets so bad with the OCD. I will list for you my current obsessions and rituals.

The door checking thing. Making sure the A/C is off when I leave- wouldn’t want a fire to start out of that or the bill to be sky high, GOD forbid! LOL. If I’m walking down the street and something catches my eye, I have to double back and stare at it to make sure nothing fell out of my pocket and my identity can get stolen- like an ID or credit card or some receipt that could link back to me. Absurd, I know! I do this even if I know I don’t have anything in my pockets!!! It’s nuts! If I step on a rock or an uneveness in the pavement, I have to check it to make sure nothing fell out of my pocket and that’s what I’m stepping on. Crazy!!! Smoking- I smoke, and am desperately trying to quite but OCD has a hand in that too. I can’t quit if I will have a certain number of smokes left in the pack- like 8 or 13 or 7 (the seven is bad because it means I’ve smoked 13 and that’s unlucky. I constantly have thoughts that the lighter I’m using to light that “last” cigarette was on my when I may have cheated on my boyfriend so it will be unlucky to be having a last cigarette with that lighter. Even though I’ve NEVER cheated on him. Yeah, it’s crazy! I can’t swallow saliva on that last drag either because I’m afraid someone in my family will die or something bad will happen. So the smoking cessation has yet to happen and I’m worried I’m gonna die from smoking. It’s hard for me to get up from a chair or public bench or something because I have to turn around and look to make sure nothing fell out of my pockets or that there is anything to identify me or incriminate me- even though nothing exists like that that I know of. Sometimes, but less severe, I’ll ask the same questions to people to confirm what they said.

I think there are more but I’m exhausted from all this typing. LOL. I’m surprised I’m not going back and proofreading it eighty times to make sure it’s okay! I do that with my normal blog sometimes, or even handwritten notes to make sure everything is spelled correctly or that I didn’t write anything that might affect the receiver of the note. It’s crazy! LOL.

My mind is always running in loops and I’m always thinking. Booze is a good medication but we all know we can’t drink all the time. Although, I do find myself at piece when buzzed. LOL. But I won’t let myself go down that path as tempting as it is. Through all of it, I try to remain looking normal to the world. It’s a tough job to do too. Because I know, I am not. I really hate it and what I’ve become because of this disease. I want it to all disappear on it’s own. Maybe it will some day.

That’s all for now. Goodnight.